self-injury.net

Its a dark cold room, the only light and heat is from my lighter. The smell of opium and burning flesh fills the air, so is the small whisper of a bubbling. My heart is isck and sad and weighted by my sins. Enough grief and pain to last me a thousand lifetimes, I caused all of it. With the hunger and the beast growing inside of me, I caused all of it, I taught my soul and heart to follow the path of my veins, blackened, rotted, necrotic. Dead. I dig into myself searching for one more vein, I'm no afraid of of death. I saw him take away my brothers on that distant battlefield, I don't fear God either, he fell there too. I've seen Death's face, I see it in the needle as I get ready to shoot a little bit of him into my veins. The black that shoot up my arm fills my eyes, making them go away and leave me alone. Their faces haunt me with their voices yelling and shouting "RUN RUN RUN!" Just before the surge I catch a glimpse of something as I jam down on the plunger  with its shadow coming closer and closer and its me! The bright lights blind me as I almost jump back up and fall over the rail puking the filth onto the floor. I still cant see but  I can feel two immense arms lift me back into the bed and i feel something soft, almost like silk rub my withered hand and she whispers into my ear ,"Welcome back to life..... You overdosed on heroine."

6 AM.

WhenI wake up, it’s always the same feeling. I roll over to my alarm clock that isplaying the Harry Potter theme song and want to loft it across the room. Myviolent behavior towards the device waking me up is not because I wish to be inbed longer. No, I’ve already been awake for quite some time. My need todemolish the alarm clock is from a serious mental state of depression. Thismorning is not unlike any other. I just layin my bedroom, which is a swirl of color, in the dark, wishing and wanting. Myattitude is always the same; dark, almost as if a thunderstorm haserupted. I always awake with the samefeeling.

7 AM.

Ifinally decide that maybe it’s time to get up and get ready for school. Maybe Ionly decide to get out of bed because I’m sick of my mother screaming at thetop of her lungs at everything. I can’t really decide what my reasoning is. Ijust need to get out. As I’m in the shower I hear the bathroom door open. Theworst thing about having a small house and a big family is one bathroom. I hearmy youngest brothers voice let me know he’s sharing the moment with me. Is itreally so hard to let someone have a small amount of peace? I guess I reallycouldn’t be too harsh on my brother. While I would have liked to shower in thebathroom alone, he does have a colon disease that doesn’t allow him to hold hisbowels as long as he would like.

8 AM. Read more »

    So, we're having a little bit of a heat wave in my town, and it is literally KILLING me. I have a lurking suspicion that I suffer fro untreated depression, and the 100 degree weather isn't helping! As my French teacher puts it, by the end of the day, I was wilting. Hell yeah I was wilting! This kid that likes and asked me out (I rejected him, but nicely) kept on harassing me, and I couldn't take control of it. When I can't take control of a situation, I fall into a deep depression, because that is one of the times when I usually cut, and I haven't cut for three weeks and four days, so I'm not gonna ruin it now. And this was probably the first time I actually showed my depression voluntarily, because my therapist says its bad to bottle up emotions or something like that. Let me tell you, it completely sucked. My friend Laura said I was being a bitch, when I didn't do or say anything ALL PERIOD. Her exact words were, "Ally, I know your in a bad mood, but you don't have to be a total bitch about it." Trust me, she is wayyyyy more of a bitch on a regular basis than I am in a bad mood. Read more »

So I know that its really pathetic for me to worry about this type of thing, and even more that I cut over it. I'm just scared that I am being abandoned by my freinds. Okay I only have four who I keep in touch with, but now while two of them haven't made any effort to see me or speak to me in over a month...I know that they proberbly have their reasons etc... But I'm scared that I might have done something wrong, and that they won't want to ever be around me anymore because they've found nicer people to be frieds with!! The other two have become best freinds. I grew up with one of them and have always had her support, it is one of the only things that keeps me going. But now she's freinds with somone else, and has left me behind. I know that its stupid for me to get upset over her haveing better freinds than me. I guess all that's happened is that I'm not a fun or nice enough person to be around her. I just don't understand why I'm so upset with her and the others when I have noone really to blame but myself. Any ideas? Read more »