self-injury.net

Before I self injure, I feel like numb in a way, but at the same time so depressed that I can't feel. My life goes on and flys by around me, but i can't take  nocitce. I'm stuck in my own world. I usually like to cut with extremly sharp things. During the time i self injure...it's just me, in  closed room with my blades to comfort me. I watch the blood shine through those neatly cut lines and I feel relief. After I self injure is when I feel the pain, the stinging keeps me up all night, but as weird as it sounds, I like that feeling. i feel shaky and usually the next day I can feel my cuts break open and bleed. it's all about control.

Before, it's a little like chaos. It's hard to concentrate. I feel really stressed. really stressed.

During, I do it slow, shallow. really feel the pain. watch the blood slip out. it feels like art. do only so much. but be careful. clean everything. keep it clean. concentrate.

After, it wasn't enough, it's never enough. it's not pretty enough, it doesn't feel right. more. I need more. do it right.

Before: I feel dissaociated, of course. I feel Dead. I don't feel like I should, and I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way either. I feel alone, I feel sad, angry, moody, depressed, unhappy, upset, all the negative feelings put into one anxious pouch of emotion. I honestly want to commit the crime of ultimate self-hatred.

During: Still dissaociated. I don't feel the pain. Maybe a slight stinging, not enough to cry about, usually the emotional pain is the overbearing part of it all. I never cry when I abuse though, never. I watch the liquid pain travel down my skin, and it relaxes me, watching it fall. Like it's escaping with me, and it's happy too. It needs me, it wants me, it loves me, it adores me. Everything is perfect in that moment. I don't feel anything at all, I just see beauty. pure beauty. I'm not alone anymore.

After: I'm usually almost fully functional with reality. I clean up my beautiful wounds, and hide my tools. During, it's one of those moments where you don't have to worry about a damn thing, not a single fucking thing, and it's the greatest gift I could ever give to myself.