self-injury.net

I cut because I psychically want to see my pain. All of these painful thoughts run through my head, and i never get to see them. I cut because i want to look as broken as i feel. I want to look as scary as my thoughts are. I want to see blood when I cut. I want it to look bad when I cut.

I blame myself for a lot of things, for the reasons that i am alone. I become so mad at myself. I want to psychically let out my aggression towards myself. i DO NOT cut for attention. and i DO NOT cut because I think its cool. I Wish i didnt have to do it. I wish there was something i could find that came close to it. But i have yet to find it. I'm not sure im looking though. Im scared of not cutting. 

I started self-injuring as a coping mechanism for my severe PTSD and depression, and my mild psychosis, in the wake of some serious trauma. But I continued to self-injure for the high.

When I hurt myself, I experience intense euphoria, followed by a lovely, calm, relaxed high which can last for a couple of hours, and then feelings of emotional detachment for maybe two or three days.

The detachment might be the best part because I find I become more uninhibited. After I injure, I temporarily become more confident, social, and even seemingly more witty and likeable because I am relieved of feelings of worry and tension which normally make it hard for me to function.

I wouldn't want to paint too glowing a picture, though. My activities have become life-threatening at this point. I wish I could be buzzed on pain all the time but I'm going to have to find a new way to go through life, or else I am certain that sooner or later this is going to kill me. I don't wanna say what I've been doing because I don't wanna give anyone else ideas. Just be careful, this stuff is bad news.

I hate every single thing about me. Some days are better than this, but today is bad. It's been several months since I last cut- and several months before that, and before that, a few years- but on the worst days I don't have any other choice. I can't kill myself. It would hurt my family too much and I know that. But I feel like I am the world's biggest failure and nothing I do is right and they would all be so, so much better without me, so I distract myself in the only way I know for sure will work. Then I sleep, and wake up, and cut, and repeat, and eventually I feel okay again. I cut because I know the okay days will come again- they always do- and I just have to do whatever it takes to survive until they show up.